Croc your world
The latest 'feat' in shoe technology
Never has there been such a polarizing form of footwear as the all-weather slippers known as Crocs. In any color, and on any person, they are a truly repulsive fashion choice. The only occasion in which they are not out of place is 2am at 7-Eleven during a Cheetos run. They make your feet sweat. They squeak. And they inform others that you have completely given up on your appearance.
So why are these shoes so popular? Well, they say the best defense is a good offense, and Crocs are nothing short of offensive, so there should be a solid case to be made. First, they’re perfect for bad weather. Fashioned by NASA for space travel, the holes in the sides and top of a Croc are scientifically formulated to allow airflow that cools the foot in hot weather; yet they are small enough to retain heat in the winter. Furthermore, the Crocs are made out of pure Crocodile skin (hence the name Crocs). This, as we all know, is why Crocs are waterproof, fireproof, bullet-proof, girlfriend-proof, and living proof to the point where shoe technology cannot be advanced any further.
Secondly, they last forever. Like actually, forever. So for roughly the price of two cafeteria dinners, you can own a piece of history. Now, I know there may be some tree-huggers in the audience, but I feel purchasing Crocs can be justified with the same rationale that is so prevalent in 21st century academic philosophy: YOLO.
Thirdly, and possibly the biggest selling point of Crocs, is how they feel. I know what you’re thinking: “How could walking around in ventilated crocodile skin be comfortable?” Well it’s not. Saying that Crocs are comfortable is like saying that cats are terrible creatures. I cat even describe just meow unbelievably pawful they are. I’m not kittying! So since there are no earthly words to fully describe how Crocs feel, I’m forced to use analogy: wearing Crocs is like wearing two unicorns on your feet while wading through an ocean of Nutella, while millions of tiny marshmallow people are blowing warm fresh-baked-cookie-air on you and massaging your feet with their fuzzy-slipper hands. Try them. You’ll see.
You may still think that you’ll never wear Crocs, and I get that. I was there last year. Then through divine intervention, a pair of light blue Crocs happened to appear in my dorm, and I wore them in what started out as a joke, and ended up as true love. I’ve asked parents about how they felt before and after having twins, and the answer is usually the same. At first, they were terrified at the prospect of twins, but once the babies were born, they only wished they had more. And I think it’s the same with Crocs. Once you have a pair, you’ll want Croctuplets!