What building hasn’t been affected by mold on this campus? First, it was the faculty housing building, then Calvin Hanson Chapel. Just this year renovations were completed to Fraser after mold was discovered there too.
After extensive research of leaked correspondence between administration and outside anonymous sources, The Turnip has discovered a sinister plot behind these “coincidental” fungal invasions.
In the late 80s, Chemistry professory Dr. Lars Cunningham began work on an experimental new biological medicine. The multusobedientiam spore was intended to be administered in airborn form, which would result in a more morally obedient student body. “The community covenant will become more closely followed than the American 1st Amendment,” Cunningham wrote in an undated journal entry.
This well-intentioned experiment took a nasty turn when the pathogen was tested on a select number of un-tenured professors at the time. Test subjects became obedient as the research predicted; however, this had unforeseen side-effects, manifesting themselves in a state commonly known as “being a zombie.”
Instead of reporting these accidents to the nearest Health Authority, the “infected” professors were sent to an isolation unit under what is now known as Northwest Building. Students today hear whispers of the infamous “Catacombs.” This cavernous stone prison was recently bolted down by the powers at be. Why was it bolted? The only reasonable explanation is that it was done as a measure to further isolate this dangerous sub-culture of zombified intellectuals.
Due to the airborne nature of this virus, it occasionally sprouts up on walls around campus.
If these series of events is not enough evidence for this shocking example of biology gone wild, there is a last piece to the puzzle: the expansion of the Neufeld Science Center.
After a removal of certain elements to the Community Covenant, administration has realized that students have reached the point of no return in a transition from general tomfoolery to unmatched debauchery.
This immoral fall led the university to re-engage the previously abandoned research of Dr. Cunningham. This was decided in a long meeting between faculty and administration last month which briefly touched on unionization issues before moving on to more important things such as biological sedatives for post-secondary students with the intention of making them easier to maintain.
The research facility added to the Neufeld Science Center was primarily motivated as a central location to continue this research. There is no concrete evidence as to how or when they plan on initiating Phase Two, but a recently discarded document sheds light on several victims acquired for further experimentation. (Has anyone seen Goheen lately?)
Last summer, the Nursing wing downstairs was guaranteed due to a containment breach which was passed off as a “burst water pipe.” Watch out for residual traces of the virus. Should you start feeling light-headed or particularly prudish, get over to RPC asap to receive your last rights.
Continue to follow this newspaper for any updates on this extremely important issue.
FIRE ALARMING TRUTH
For years students have been fed lies of ‘burned popcorn’ and ‘faulty sprinklers’, but that day is now over. Let truth reign! The Turnip has obtained hard evidence as to the real reason for these frequent disruptions.
Unbeknownst to the average passersby, TWU receives most of its energy from a nuclear power plant cleverly disguised as a white maintenance tent, behind Douglas.
Though the structure itself is kept well hidden and secure, commuters passing by on Glover at night may notice a remarkable orange glow emanating from the campus.
The reactor requires constant monitoring—every 108 minutes to be precise—but with recent job layoffs the university is struggling to maintain atomic integrity. The notorious ‘fire alarm’ that frequently evacuates students from their dorms is a warning signal, notifying ‘security’ of a containment breach.
Radiation proof fall-out shelters have been dispersed across campus, but the only confirmed location is the President’s office. During a recent interview, our dedicated sleuths noticed a conspicuous metal hatch in his office with three months’ worth of food provisions stacked under a loose bedsheet.
Next time you hear the bell ring, don't wait outside your dorm like an idiot, flee to higher ground or second floor Reimer.