Inspire to conspire
Get your degree in contemporary Gnosticism today.
Conspiracy theories are designed to tell you the truth about the world. Whether it’s famous bands who should be banned by parents because their lyrics praise Satan when you play their vinyl in reverse, or how most U.S. presidents are Freemasons, or how we’ll all soon have chips embedded in our wrists under a new world order with a one world government in 2016, the popularity of these “truths” is undeniable.
Conspiracy theories are like the devil and angel that sit on each shoulder to inform your guiding beliefs. The red one whispers into your left ear, “Freemasons are actually running TWU”, while the white one is caught off guard and replies, “You know, I’ve never thought about that before… maybe.
Most of us have heard about Area 51, or how 9/11 was an inside job, or how the moon landing in ’69 was a hoax. Most recently, the secret society of the Illuminati, a supposed secret organization in control of world affairs and corporations, has received a lot of attention. Youtube probably has the largest source of conspiracy theory videos to get your hands dirty. Some of the most popular videos are the Zeitgeist trilogy. These feature cryptic Bible prophecies and leaked information into secret societies and classified government projects.
You’d be surprised just how many people are convinced. These videos are as influential as a Jedi mind trick. After a while, the monotone voice of the narrator starts to sound just like the voice of reason. I mean, have you ever watched a two and half hour magnum opus video where the narrator claims that he spent the last five years of his life making it, while losing his wife, kids, and job in order to demonstrate that a secret military base exists underneath the Denver airport? I have. With that degree of sacrifice, it’s just got to be true.
Many of these fantastic theories are so popular simply because they are completely unverifiable. They may be crazy but it’s not so easy to show exactly how they are false. You can’t argue against people who simply deny the best evidence we have for certain events or phenomena.
The popularity of conspiracy theo ries also seems to show just how gullible many people really are. We all love drama. And the quasi-news sources of conspiracy theories are as entertaining as yogic flying (Youtube it!).
The few who have obtained insight into the specific truths of life by use of Youtube have officially obtained their “Youtube Degree”. A Youtube Degree is equivalent to a Bachelors Degree that prepares its graduates to be educated in a specific field of study. With respect to conspiracy theories, alumni of this specific Youtube degree have gone on to successful careers in contemporary Gnosticism (esoteric or intuitive knowledge possessed by an elect few). Within this contemporary Gnosticism, recent Youtube alumni have specialized in various fields, specifically in economics, sociology, business, biology, religious studies, physics, history, philosophy or—better yet—all of them combined.
So, for the chosen few out there, you can use your new found knowledge to spark an interesting conversation with your buddies at the local five-and-dime about how aids was created by the CIA in order to control population growth. Or to tell that special someone during a leisurely stroll about how Christianity was created by the Roman Empire as its official religion by enforcing the worship of constellations, with the sun as the main object of worship symbolizing Jesus. May your endeavors into the new semester be illuminating and may you continue to inform the general public on the imperative truths we need to know!