Presents or pure evil?

Presents or pure evil?

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The gifts you wish they’d stop giving.

Birthdays are a big deal in the Simonson household and I just celebrated another one of my own, which made me reminiscent on some of the gifts I have received over the years. As with any family there have been ups and downs, but what always stays the same is the weirdness of the presents we give to one another.

1) A Sponge Boyfriend. This isn’t a “Lars and the Real Girl” situ­ation in reverse, but it’s pretty close. It’s a tiny man-shaped sponge that you put in a bowl of water and watch while, over the hours, everything is soaked up until he is huge. I mean, were talking size of your head huge,  not life-size huge. #iwish

2) Electric Rolos. You know how you grab a Rolo from the end of the packet? Well instead of dispensing a chocolate treat filled with delicious caramel, this packet electrocutes you when you grab for it. I got to play with this present for a total of two hours until it made my sister cry.

3) The Robo-raptor. This was actually a gift to the whole family from my uncle. I have never experienced the same kind of silence as when my mother opened this gift and we all just awkwardly stared at it. I am pretty sure it was really expensive, too, be­cause the other side of the family got a SONY massage chair from him. I personally thought it was really cool. It would scare the crap out of the dog,  seeing as they were about the same size, and definitely boost my popu­larity votes amongst friends, which dropped drastically after getting brac­es and cutting my own bangs. Kind of a win-win for everyone, right?

4) Tea Towel Gloves. This is a perfect example of cutting out the middleman. Apparently sometimes your hands can get cold when you’re drying dishes so why not just wear gloves in the shape and texture of a tea towel? Brilliant!

5) A beautiful silver keychain, with the not so beautiful phrase in­scribed on it “Don’t argue. Save your breath. You’ll need it to blow up your next boyfriend.” Clearly there is a bit of a theme here . . .

Betting on the Big Bowl

Betting on the Big Bowl

A first attempt at a fifth year

A first attempt at a fifth year